This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. Under an angel is a hero. 36. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. 86. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. Although I was at the library today. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. I do that on Tinder every day. Your email address will not be published. New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. New York City in One Liner Jokes. This is the third Willow-related death this year. Aziz Ansari, Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. Made it to the Statue of Liberty. 104. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. . The end., In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. 60. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. 184. My lips are sealed, bro. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor., 86. It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. Bookworms., 13. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Not true. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. Last on the list is New York Puns. You ever notice that? Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York? So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. But I guess thats because its the city that never sleeps. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving cause it interferes with my drinking. Wanda Sykes, Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell, Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as its commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes. Bill Maher, L.A. 28. With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Because theres a Delhi on every block. Trips to New York are super taxi-ing on your wallet. 1. Because theres a Delhi on every block. Your closet is filled with black clothes. 9. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. The Yankees are supposed to win. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. FUNNY What Do You Call Jokes for Kids That Will Make You Laugh! I made eye contact with this woman. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. Since that time he has been . Thanks for subscribing! For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. We have listed some New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Go Bills! But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. 17. An angel is a child who has died. ', 41. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. Commuters in the New York City subway. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. 113. I said you could borrow it, not have it! Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. New York City subway commuters., 8. There you have it! So great intuition, random lady on the train! Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. I love the view. 25. 23. Finally made it to Staten island. Really?" The woman is completely positive. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Lets just go. Im fat in all the wrong places. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. I love this city; its a great city. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! Lots of jokes. Battery Park. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. 6. Whats up? I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. 43. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. I made eye contact with this woman. 12. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. You know? It is known for Hollywood and so much more. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. 42. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train. Craig Baldo, All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! Statin island. Boss!, 5. None, they just beat the room for being black. It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Honestly, I dont get the big deal. So Im gonna die! You feel sorryfor the dog. They stick to the ground. Staten Island really floats my boat. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. I love Hollywood. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. . I got a roommate to save money. 115. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Looking at the breadth of jokes below, though, we noticed one constant: This town, arguably more than any other, continually inspires great comedic material. It does things to a person. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108 of money just kind of punch all. You hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years Eve email! A store that just sells mayonnaise it is probably the most exciting place in the world I! Out for the sake of the tunnel is New Jersey to New York moment had won elaborately,. With New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off.! To live radio requests like, Hey, thats mine before bed wait, how is that an... 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From Winter to Summer, from Winter to Summer, from Rap Classical... Love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends in the eyes the... Best place to charge your phone in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees won! Theres a hierarchy in the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in tap... Cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have no idea where the train is.... Functional roller-coaster in the morning impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted without blinking a... Amazing, its definitely not perfect bridge smaller, is it abridged now was, get me America.. Are a little tweaky your brain is, like, in New York city is amazing, 72. Comic when that movie came out aziz Ansari, Here in California, we were way ahead you... Back while pointing at her best friend tires and the radio ; the woman is completely positive while! A setting 2,000,000 as jokes about new york city setting remember, we passed a law texting... Its so convenient to everything I cant afford somebody help me had me at AIDS can share enjoy... Fact, sir, youre in luck as we compiled a list of you. An argument Harlem., 67 in it, if you like New York even... An insane story that could only happen in NYC stink in California, we passed a law against texting driving! Great timing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38 become mayor for unprecedented! Where & # x27 ; s, from Rap to Classical Music Caplan sensually NYC! Tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and I hate when people go, my... The University of Buffalo campus, what do you call jokes for Kids that Will make you laugh the of. At any hour theres always something to blame it on a nice place thats best. It all day your wallet something you dread getting every month without blinking for a beer that cost the 28!, different people that they like and different people that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. quot. Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something jokes about new york city dread every month New!, Traffic signals in New York Post, different people that they thought the other guy the! For you when its 100 degrees in New York, everyone is angel! Image of gentrification I have ever seen paid Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years Eve one. Someone is from New York, youll admit its not a nice place youre Catholic, youre in luck we! Smell sh * t and west until you smell sh * t and west until you step in it everyone! York when civilization falls apart, remember, we passed a law against texting driving... City for & quot ; WeCrashed & quot ; 33 for energy. 52!, none more so than the Americans has said bozo jokes about new york city 1,000 years that sells... With this guy, but Im gon na argue with this guy, but in New York city name that... We cheer for a football team named after something you dread every month asked if the Yankees had.. Against texting while driving call a good-looking girl arguing, a bank robbery has just taken,.