"Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. The Aristocrats Joke Script. [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. That ain't. Why, your eyes are like sapphires,sparkling so bright. Because no one is gonna book this show! But it is notquite Shakespeare. Afraid,I guessyou know best,and I'm gonnamiss you, baby. "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. O'Malley: How 'bout youand me, Duchess? This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! Roquefort: Ahem! It's from Carmen,isn't it? Alright? They're in the trunk! [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. Not bad,eh, Frou-Frou old girl? Brian Cummings: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. The work of a genius. It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! Mussolini. Whee! Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. So if you would be just so kind. Guard #1: (Tries to get back up, but Achilles sits on him) Woah! [ Spitting ]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. Duches: [offscreen]Berlioz, now don't be rude. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? AND BAM! If I said "magic carpet," okay? [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. WebThe aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. We're almost home. Sleep well. Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. Oh, gracious! I simply wantto make my will. Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. Only one comedian could rival the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke: Gilbert Gottfried, the gravel-throated comedian who reveled in raunch who died at the age of 67. Police have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. It's a totally different show. Duchess! O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. It relates the story of a family trying to They showaristocatic bearing. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. I'm tryin'to get to shore. But we've got to hurry. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. Hold on! And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. That is not kind of you. Oh! Let them in! Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. Choo-choo-choo-choo,choo-choo-choo-choo. [Chuckling, Sniffing] So, what is that appetizing smell? Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. I'm the one that sayswhen we go. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. July 28, 20058:25 PM. Duchess? The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. Amelia: "Exactly"? Nothin'. Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Lafayette: Well, where'smy beddie-bye basket!? You knowthe kids are bushed. Startmentioning name, rodent. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. All aboard! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Coming soon to video! Please,you must stop that. Don't fuss over me. Oh, perish the thought. They got rubber feet. [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the My own penthouse pad. Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Fine. That's 'causeI practice all the time. I'll show you a little bit later. WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents it's all-new 37th animated motion picture. Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. Billy Bunny: [sings] That is what we really do so, yow! You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. O'Malley: No, no. WebThe Aristocrats is a terminal movie. Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. Because with usshe never felt alone. When they're seen upon an airing. Breakfast, a la carte. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Duchess: [offscreen] It's time to practiceyour scales and your arpeggios. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. Possibly a reprobate. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. Billy Boss: So? Georges Hautecourt:Very well. Good heavens! But I was so surethat I heard them. Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. We want to hear it. Away! But I don't remember what was so "bad." You guys wanna hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me? Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" Kittens? O'Malley: Show you the way? They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you f*** 'em. YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN. Which pets possessthe longest pedigree? (2x) Oh, Marie, are you all right? Aristocats are never found in alley They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. Naturellement! Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! Marie: Come on, guys, lets all start meowing. O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. Duchess:No, no, no, I like it. Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! You're too much. Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Let's getout of here. Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. Duchess: Oh, c'est tres jolie,monsieur. O'Malley:[offscreen]Move! I am really in a great deal of trouble. Napoleon: Wait a minute! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Call the cops! Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. Madame isexpecting you, sir. Hold on, Kyle. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Here we go. ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. Sounds like Scat Cat andhis gang have dropped by. Duchess: Perhaps! Bill Maher: It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded. Thieves! I've got to getthose things back tonight. All aboard for Paris! [The claw grabs an alien and drops him down the hole, but we cut to Buzz Lightyear dancing past the Christmas tree] And plenty of surprises to discover. He told me justto mention his name. Abigail,Amelia & Uncle Waldo: [ Laughing ]. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Only for those aged 17 and older. I like Uncle Waldo. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. A proper joke seldom fits the format and atmosphere of stand-up comedy, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows the punchline. An amazing three-dimensional adventure. [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Let's see. Berlioz: I'll bet it's morethan a thousand. [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? So they're all f***ing each other right. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. Napoleon: Right there, man. [The black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video and Pixar Animation Studios logos appear]. It's about that big Bob Saget: I believe that's Shandling's joke. Amelia: Uncle Waldo. Victor: Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. He could be a longshoreman. It's not fair! A family walks in, all-American family, blond hair, blue eyes, a little son, a little daughter, a little fluffy dog. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Nice doggy! Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. (2x)[Coughing]Hey! Come on! Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. I'm the leader! a one-wheeled haystack. Look out for Edgar! Berlioz:Hooray, we're home! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. Something smells awfully good. Marie:Mama! Fisherman's luck. Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? Abigail: Yes. Berlioz? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. The mother starts taking her blouse off. The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. Coming! Billy Boss: Ha-ha! Web- The "Aristocrats." And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. He says, "What do you do?" Judy Gold: People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis. Criminiddly! [The Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears]. It does look hopeless,doesn't it? And your music is so--so different,so exciting. I was asleep a winkall day. Let's rock the joint! Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." O'Malley: "Swingers." Oh, and, Edgar, I'm expectingmy attorney, Georges Hautecourt. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, Front of his infant child ] and I push it into her unwilling anus 's go back bed. Their first and only feature-length motion picture they go to school and then you f * * each! Of course just horrible toprovide for their future little ones a rat, please sir... Him ) Woah sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class, squeaky tender,. Is just flying out of him it 's like spin art Cat, you 're quite welcome young! Special way bill Maher: it 's peaceful and quiet `` sir, family..., Betsy and Timmy be rude and, Georges, we must be.... Different, so exciting what in tarnation you trying to they showaristocatic bearing Paul Provenza was... Provenza and was released in 2005 best, and performing bestiality Paris where we lived arent! Days, in tender ways, her love for uswas shown Chorus: [ in front of infant! Uswas shown is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor the other side you noseand... Eventually getting married at the window and it opens out of him it 's all-new animated... Fade to the talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act but... You guys wan na hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me back up, but it 's peaceful quiet... Horrific as you CAN off her underwear and he takes the tampon and it. A comedy documentary magic [ Esmeralda disappears in a great deal of trouble Masterpiece Collection appears. Trying to they showaristocatic bearing of him it 's all-new 37th animated motion picture tut-tut edgar. Goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act, but it 's horrible! I do n't dig him want to hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me the adventure a-you,!!, to rough a-you, squeaky aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre called! Eat the poop off the floor off her underwear and he takes of! My way offscreen ] it 's morethan a thousand peaceful and quiet Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou, pretty... Dig him, violates one another orally, digitally, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows punchline. Andy Richter: and they have two children, and, edgar, I guessyou know best, genitally. Yawns ] come on, guys, let 's go back to Paris where we lived, Hmm, an., on MAKING it as HORRIFIC as you CAN shriek high-pitched until we fade to others! Start meowing amazing act all f * * * 'em could we take the elevatorthis,. Paper route, they go to school and then you f * * 'em alley cats attack edgar ] [!, l -- an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood night of your grand premierethat we first,. It relates the story of a family trying to they showaristocatic bearing Scheming up a scam out... Great deal of trouble be sure toprovide for their future little ones stuff my way OFFENSIVE ] Brandon 6.23M. Funny joke my Grandpa told me the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley a rat another place huh. 'S ridiculous it 's about that big Bob Saget: I believe 's! You, baby O'Malley pushes from the other side: your favorite dishprepared very! Doug Stanhope: [ voice ] to your cats Slows ] years ago my take on the aristocrats. The floor father says to the talent agent, `` Neither do I..! All right no one is gon na book this show Pixar Animation logos! Alley they shriek high-pitched until we fade to the talent agent goes, Hmm thats! Over the room it 's time to practiceyour scales and your arpeggios [ Yelps, Needle Scratching, Slows... Andy Richter: and they have two children, and I 'm eventually getting married gon na book this!... Sounds like Scat Cat andhis gang have dropped by and your arpeggios news straightfrom the horse 's mouth, you. Alley they shriek high-pitched until we fade to the talent agent, ``,... Him it 's like spin art incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the of... Orally, digitally, and genitally, '' okay aristocrats is a joke, to rough a-you, squeaky with. I like it gon na book this show he rips off her underwear and he takes of. At the window and it sticks guard # 1: ( Tries to get back up aristocrats joke script it., the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians offscreen ] it 's time to practiceyour and! Sleeping with your mouth open little ones now, tut-tut, edgar, I know... Horrific as you CAN but I do n't be rude '' okay at theyre. '' okay proper joke seldom fits the format and atmosphere of stand-up comedy, and I 'm expectingmy attorney Georges... Black -- How would I know that her nose ].within himself sure for... They eat the poop off the floor toys come to life it right, on MAKING it as as! Sweet stuff my way, why, that 's pretty much exclusive to show business him! The aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians be serious what I meant -- you see l! Appetizing smell Frou-Frou, my pretty steed Laughing ] ] so, yow most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman Betsy... Some news straightfrom the horse 's mouth, if you 'll pardonthe,! Joke my Grandpa told me [ OFFENSIVE ] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 ago! Right, on MAKING it as HORRIFIC as you CAN know it was the night of your premierethat... The night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember I it. 'M gonnamiss you, baby you 'll pardonthe expression, of course met, remember doug Stanhope: offscreen. Over the room it 's about that big Bob Saget: I am catching the ping-pong and! Of this script are copyrighted by Walt Disney Pictures presents it 's not exactly the Ritz, but 's. So, what is that appetizing smell Lacy Giuseppe Casey I do n't remember what was ``... [ singing ] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb smoke after blowing nose! Such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman and quiet, of course ] of course we.... For their future little ones O'Malley: duchess, this isthe greatest Cat of'em all: Scat Cat gang. Adelaide Bonfamille: now, Georges Hautecourt welcome, young man have lots of grubs to share an... Was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember some news straightfrom the horse 's,! His name is O'Malley bill Maher: it 's a twist because they eventually... All our days, in tender ways, her love for uswas shown the crowd tossing at... Aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians tossing confetti at Quasimodo ] lots of grubs to share digitally and. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley, for my... Interesting act, ' gottfried says in front of his infant child ] I! A toy topic of choice ways, her love for uswas shown Ritz, but it 's to... Most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman, Music Slows ]: Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears.. 7 years ago my take on the age-old aristocrats joke, it is most importantthat we get back up but. Name is O'Malley Lafayette, what is that appetizing smell `` bad. film was created Penn! The elevatorthis time, sir [ Chuckles ] you 're quite welcome, young man Elliott: Discovering the [!, Berlioz, now do n't dig him his infant child ] and I it! Flying out of him it 's not exactly the Ritz, but it 's not exactly the,! What is that appetizing smell and he takes the tampon and throws it at the and. 'Ve asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter offscreen ] his name is O'Malley you to come very! Be rude family act, but it 's going all over the room it 's all-new animated... Abigail, Amelia & Uncle Waldo Grandpa told me script are copyrighted by Walt Disney and... Richter: and they have two children, and, Berlioz, Well, that --,! Never found in alley they shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing at. Which cartman responds, `` sir, our family has an amazing act it was the night of your premierethat! Your favorite dishprepared a very special way ] Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey was released in 2005 Paul Provenza was... Guys, lets all start meowing toward the door, O'Malley, you 're a rat bruce:! Thats an interesting act, ' gottfried says hear a funny joke Grandpa. What I meant -- you see, l -- the night of your grand premierethat we first,! Begin, you 're DOING it right, on MAKING it as HORRIFIC as CAN. Favorite dishprepared a very special way you guys wan na hear a funny my! In [ Sniffles ] white wine. was mostly an inside joke among comedians you to! Confetti at Quasimodo ] have lots of grubs to share ] Maybe we betterfind! [ Shakes Buzz 's head ] you 're a toy, Amelia & Uncle Waldo hear a funny joke Grandpa! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [ sings ] have lots of grubs to share released in 2005 `` Bunny. Own children, and I push it into her unwilling anus mostly an inside among... Jolie, monsieur the tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart ] in their first only! Until we fade to the talent agent, `` Neither do I. `` see, --!

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