When were checked out its just not worth the effort anymore, so youll get more one word responses. Why would they do that to me?. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. Some guys want to be in a serious relationship; others dont. "I . So pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it worse probably wont make it through either. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. If he comes back, then great but if not, dont be surprised or disappointed. Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. Openly and blatantly. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. You know who I turn that on? And when everything was totalled up the answer was no. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. My Jerkbrain doesnt do encouraging, whereas it is full of advice for how I can do better, much of it pretty rude. Dont sit around waiting for his call or text message because it could go on all day without either of you saying anything at all to each other just texts back and forth that dont really say much if hes not initiating the conversation himself. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. A big factor in that was that I saw her problems as easy to fix by doing X where my own were much more complicated (in my mind). Expressing that anger towards the situation? You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. At first eagerly, because I was curious. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. Thank you for the link. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? The LW stops loving him . And will often ask if I want icecream instead And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! Thanks again. Some guys are just lazy, especially when it comes to relationships. Have you read about the accountant who had a brain tumor? Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. Do you think you might try that?-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you dont know if or when things will get better. It is true that a friend can see me in a ratty sweatshirt with my hair uncombed and know that thats a sign that something is bothering me, but making sure I put on a bright clean shirt and fix my hair, while appreciated, is not going to fix whats wrong over the long haul. Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. Boyfriend stopped texting me good morning. So in order to save your relationship, you need to find out what is going on and take corrective action if necessary. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. But that makes deliberately exercising seem like Im bowing down to that warped idea of my self-worth. One of my partners was doing something like this for a spell there. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. He didnt like my opinions. If he doesnt like and love the you he lives with now, hes not worthy of the brave person who is you. I knew I was terribly unhappy, but I felt like maybe our problems were our fault and if maybe I could just find the *right* way to ask for respect >.<, So yeah I agree like 99% that this is a DTMFA situation. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. LW, Im sorry youre struggling with depression, and Id like to offer you a fist-bump of commiseration for the emotional work youre already doing, if youd like that. but wanted to make sure you knew he wasnt judging/minding/caring about your choice of snack. I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. Don't jump to any conclusion your mind is playing tricks on you so don't let it. Ugh, replying to myself. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. Aside from that, by telling him that you don't like her will make him see your point of view. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. ), how long would you live like this? Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. He stopped trying "He stopped trying, I couldn't even remember the last time we went on a real date. And doing more productive self care is often incredibly hard. That one was also helpful. Some of the links on this website are affiliate links. Why cant you choose your own challenges and adventures? For the rest of us, it reinforces the jerkbrains message. Because I didn't have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person. When men care about a woman, they want to look good and impress her. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. I struggle mightily. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) be positive about the steps your partner does take every time I am aware of my partner taking a session on his exercise bike (which isnt every time he uses it, but often we watch tv together while he exercises), I comment about how I am proud of him. (I dont think its as uncommon as people would have you think.). Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. It can be a nice, easy way to do social. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. Oh wow. But my partner punishes me emotionally when I eat unhealthy food and dont exercise just sounds really bad out of context. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. The point is, I actively try to be a better partner and to listen to what he wants, and not just do to him what I think he needs. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. (36-45) So in the beginning my boyfriend and I went on nice dates and he paid for me sometimes. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. But I know we never get the whole story with these letters. A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. The reason why he stopped making an effort might be because he no longer feels like theres a future between the both of you. When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. Yes. Let me give an example. It may well be correct that he loves her, and it may well be correct that *part* of his motivation is to help her do what he knows she wants to do. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. ", But It is indeed hard. For me, life is better without him. and telling you this what you need to do to feel better, and if my suggestion doesnt fix you, theres something wrong with you is not something he is entitled to do, and the same goes for playing therapist without your consent. I 100 million percent second this. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. My therapist is big on one thing at a time, and if the way I was going to get my paper done on time was by subsisting on the cookies I could reach from my bed, well hey, the papers done! Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. They do sound like exactly what Id say, though, if I were the type to try and manipulate my partner into getting thinner and doing all the housework. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. This does not augur well for a long-term relationship. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. Sometimes she gives me general approval to do something if shes having a rough time (food check-ins) and other things only count as very specific situational approval that has to be renewed any time I do it (phoning her psych, removing sharp objects). But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. Cant remember him ever doing this either. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. Its part of who you are but that doesnt make it a bad thing. It seems unwise even if someone asked me to do it, let alone unsolicited. I did not fail. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. So if he has stopped watching everyone's stories, then he might be truly breaking free from social media. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. ' with the response You figured it out!. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. He has literally never done this. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Walking is brilliant (assuming you have the spoons and physical ability to do it) its gentler on your joints than a lot of other cardio, you dont need special clothing, and its free. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. So I dont get to do this as well as I used to when husband is away. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. ME. That is some toxic logic there! This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. And holy crap, the Silent Treatment? LW, has your boyfriend ever really articulated as in, clearly stated and put down in a measurable fashion what his goals for you are? Dont. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. I get the feeling that even if LW does everything the boyfriend wants, and eats all her veggies and does a few triathlons and gets a job modeling for Vogue and is elected President of the Universe, there will always still be something else for him to criticize. The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. +1 absolutely, always. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. Him: You havent been to the gym today! Do you know what actually made me feel so much better? No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. So, my friends often come over here. Only the writer can ascertain the true lay of the land, and Im very pleased shes seeing a good therapist; she seems to be on the road to recovery. For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. Helpful. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? THIS. Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. My ironclad rule now is to keep distance from people who respond to this thing you do hurts me with anything but, Im so sorry, are you okay? And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. Thank you. Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. Flags everywhere! There are people out there who will see you for how bright and funny and reasonable and cool you are. I suspect that if she did all those things, his critiques would ramp up x1,000,000 because she is successful and he wants to cut her back down and put her back under his control. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. But I guess its cool because he never got DIVORCED *gasp*. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. Examine your behavior. And should usually comes from a not so great place. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? I mean, its not like the fucking JerkBrain wasnt already screaming at me about what a pathetic, useless fuckup I was, so having a physical JerkBrain Enforcement Squad really helped me!!!! We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. Good luck LW, positive thoughts your way! Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) Jedi hugs, if you want them. Thanks you! It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. Been to the contrary BF is trying to make you bad, it reinforces the message... 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